Chicks, Dicks, and Joysticks

This entry is about questioning four things in the nerdylicious world, that all have an oddly high correlation between them:

-Video Games
-Kinky Sex (D/s especially)

It really all begins with how you define an "intelligent/nerdy" person, and whether or not that affects sex drive or activity preferences. One of my favorite taglines is that "busy minds inspire busy behinds," and without drugs involved, generally smarter people are usually hornier people, and more naturally curious/inquizitive.

In a world where there are monetary limitations to work within, it tends to fuel a need for creativity, discovery, exploration; which has gotten to where it manifests in two distinctly major mainstay directions right now: video gaming and sex. (There's financial entanglements there, but that's another battle for another day...) Now, there's some overlap there, naturally - protagonists or "trophy" characters having some kind of sexy value, emotionally-connectable characters as opposed to abstract "everybodys."

Video gaming is not a "boys only club." I'm not saying "anymore," because the fact is, it never really was one. More guys just decided to get into it early on, that's all. Pac-Man was followed up with Ms. Pac-Man, Mario and Link were followed up with Samus (and heroines like Athena alongside)... girls in games are nothing "new and spectacular." I don't understand why that's such a deal. Leading lady chicks are sexified, sure - but leading guys are machofied too. They're all unrealistically sexy, and that's only an issue to those who will take issue with ANYTHING being sexy.

Now, kinkiness... that's one of the major sticky parts of the equation here. There's plenty of equal-ownership activities, but there's also a lot that are designed with a leader and follower(s) in mind, a state of natural inequality. Now, whether this equates to "gender values" is completely a matter of perception, but sadly, the traditional perception is that perhaps they do. And that there are only "three solutions" to "fixing" this; either totally abolishing them altogether, reversing them for the sake of influence, or restoring them to traditional roles because it is the "the right" thing.

Both video gaming and power-dynamic sex share a common factor: that sportlike rush of competition, that kind of moment that keeps them both exciting and either one from ever getting stale or old. What differenciates us (as nerdylicious peeps) on both levels is our motivations and intentions, and how tolerant of differences we are.

Like, when it comes to gaming... I like equal-skilled opponents, so if someone is game to learn, I'd gladly train another player in what I know and can execute. I may withhold a few specific tricks, but I'll show them how I ~learn~ stuff like that, so maybe they'll discover other ones. I've taken about 20 people from "can't throw a fireball" is SF to on-par players, and probably another SEVENTY through Heavy/Expert DDR or Rock Band play.

Having that equal-but-different kind of approach leads to those neck-and-neck standoff moments where anything can happen, that teeth-grinding kind of excitement that never gets old or boring. It may take some warming up to get there, but when it does - and it ALWAYS does - those moments are unforgettably qwesome, and often become recurring things in later discussions or events.

And I like my sex partners the same kind of way, but that requires a totally different kind of complimentary skill - taking what I enjoy dishing out, and dishing out what I enjoy taking; and that is a bit more naturally uneven, and thus harder to profile for. Especially when that sexual dynamic really -is- my primary motivation in pairing up, which is something smart, non-intoxicated girls are usually tired of being bombarded with in places like here. As in OKC. Or the internet. Or you know... their waking lives in general. Grrr.

Finding both in one package? Miraculous. In one way, impossibly unlikely; but in another... kind of logically inevitable too, since one could naturally inspire the other.

What's going to be right is kind of what's already happening: we all end up a hodgepodge of the approaches. This much is fine. But why are we fighting and arguing so much over them? Sure, boys didn't get called girly for liking video games, but they sure were for being nerdy. You'd expect that to "be different," but it's really not. They even get called many of the same names. (That's how uncreative haters are.) It's not as different as girls think it is, and they can get "as good as guys" at gaming (or kinky sex) the same way we all did. Playing, working up, and failing a lot until you "get it," like we did, and with help and assistance from those who've been there.

Naturally, there are some really, really unhealthy variations of this out there, however. People who live to be defeated because they're either so used to being defeated that it's their natural state of comfort, maybe those who are NEVER really defeated who like it for the novelty's sake. And then some just need a different style of dominance, being totally incapable of ever losing by bullying the crap out of others who literally are helpless and defenseless - and NOT by consent or choice, either.

There's a reason why people are concerned over the unhealthiness of perverts. Because on some level, it really does exist; there really are extremely unhealthy people out there, motivated by really wrong stuff. The crazy is real, and it is out there. But it's not the entirety of "perverts" out there. There actually is a healthy level of perversion that's perfectly harmless, and can be totally acceptable, because the people who have it are willing to own it, and not become owned by it.

So what exactly "needs" to change, except our level of honesty with one another?

I'm no fan of societal inequality or unrealistic expectations, but I'm glad that there's some degree of motivation to be an attractive person out there. And as illustrated in my previous post about sex dynamics and misogyny, I want my Player 2 to be receptive to submission in sex play but not completely mindless about it. (But certainly not an effortless winstreak in SF/KoF, haha!)

Inequality is always going to exist. It's correlation with gender has already vaporized however. Some people just take longer to realize that than others.
  • Current Music
    Zelda II / Vomitron (No NES for the Wicked)

Negative gain?

FINALLY. After an entire month and a half of wrestling around with it, my car is fixed. Needs a new replacement hood and mounting brackets, but that's not gonna be hard, just a lucky trip to a pick-a-part.

After an entire month of anxiety and uncertainty, I went on a fairly good date but was still waay too wound up by life to make wicked playtime on it. That's when it hit me just how wound up and screwed up I'd become. So I unplugged, totally for two days. Zoned. Stretched. Minimized. Stretched. And was still popping joints.

I got relaxed. Life became okay again. I start getting my ducks back in a row again. For an entire FOUR HOURS.

And out of the blue, Ted shows up. Again. Kicked out of the Apple Store/Mall he was using for communication while still totally homeless/hopeless, and AGAIN, with no other options/contacts in life willing to do shit to help this "nice guy" out. SHIT. We were supposed to get up today and head for a church to get him some help and direction, and I think he's stalling me.


If I'm still babysitting adults one week from now, I'm gonna start breaking faces.
  • Current Mood
    cranky cranky

This is my brain on defrag.

Being overly responsible and overly ambitious is a real pain in the butt.

•Starting my local conglomerate, and the foundational starting point, ProLab Gaming.
•Pursuing my numerous software development projects.
•Kicking my personal income to $1200-1500/mo, getting out of that "just over broke" area.
•Knocking some of my embarassingly long backlog of games to "Let's Play."
•Keeping enough genuine and positive contact with family, but not getting dragged all in.
•Following up on some friendly get-togethers I've been meaning to do.
•And then there's, you know... the DATING THING... *dum DUM dum*
Down to business!!

Just for kicks, I'll outline the companies that I'm considering eventually cooking up in my conglomerate, as they appear both a needed workplace and popular services to promote around here:

•ProLab Gaming - an internet cafe/gaming lounge and snack bar. Basically, a sports bar for nerdy homebodies.
•Golden Road Accounting - an accounting/bookkeeping firm to centralize operations from.
•Golden Road Property - aimed at the crowd of older investors, the plan here is to suppliment rental property with reverse mortgages to keep rents low and affordable, keep the property in the green, and provide a passive cashflow option for retirement to those who need it.
•BaconGames Software - a computer-focused media/game/website creation studio to help local creative-types produce and publish a variety of works.
•(Unnamed so far) Animal Hospital - there is a HUGE pets and pet-lovers community here, and I know of a decent number of people educating themselves in veterinary medicine. Personally, I'm a proud pet non-owner, but I know the demand for this kind of market and the abundance of kind-hearted talent and skill here that can fit that need, it just needs a place for the two to converge.
•FreakiTiki - a currently-on-the-scraps edgy Nightclub concept that seems to be actualized by another place here called Heresy. So this is pretty much done already, whew.
•The BUG - a local community news site/forum that stretches beyond political correctness and isolated incidents, and branches more into the various events, cultures, and lifestyles of the REAL Central Valley.
•Read Or Alive - a nifty alternative, visual-spacial bookstore that's like the missing departments from Borders and the disappearing departments from Barnes & Noble, with a high focus on art/lifestyle books, comics/manga, philosophy, technology, and humor. But no doubt it'll need a "trashy romance" section considering the consumption rate of that.
•The TUG - a similar thing to The BUG focused more on Taft. Because if there's anywhere that's more dreary and in need of hope than this place, it's THERE. I don't see how they do it. >.<
Software development projects!

Here's some that come to mind:

My big, eventually-gonna-get-there one is a dynamic "game about gaming." Imagine if Need For Speed or GTA played out so that instead of different types of races or missions, each location had you play out a different genre/concept of gaming. It's very focused on character development and customization, and allowing for the player at hand to play whatever kind of playstyle they prefer to sink into.

This comes with a tremendous number of challenges, however. First off, I have to understand not only the design behind all of these different game types and playstyles, but also how to implement and balance them, and then decide if any affects of one should carry over and influence another. Then there's scale - I'm nowhere near being a fully staffed AAA studio. I'm just ONE GUY. And I work best in 2D. So some things are gonna have to get produced on a reasonably smaller scale than the grand vision I'd be going for. There's also the matter of cramming this variety of gameplay concepts into a simple, flexible framework that can be used to pull them all off.

Some other projects that I'm designing in the meantime include:

•Dynamic Music Generator - a GH/RB-style song generator founded in genuine, basic music theory, utilizing a variety of styles, beats, and influences. And then there's the SOLOS... On a tangent, I also want this to produce sensical DDR stepcharts and playable notecharts for musical gaming purposes as well. Designwise, it's pretty close to "all there."
•Rock'N Guy - Imagine if you will, a hybrid of MegaMan gameplay and Sonic the Hedgehog physics and level design. Possibly without loop-de-loops.
•RockMan Supreme - Speaking of MegaMan, this is just a MM fangame that plays through the assorted levels of MM's history (or variants thereof) ala Endless Attack Mode, with a customizable selection of weapons from throughout the series and a decent grip of the bosses; likely based on the NGPC sprites of The Power Battle/Fighters.
•Giga Impact - A fighting game like Marvel Super Heroes, filled with extreme hit reactions and comboability, a decent focus on grapple attacks, and focused defensive/reactive counterattack measures.
•Qonflict - A sidescroller-perspective versus-style Galaga game where two players use waves and formations of forces and weapons to wipe the other player out.
•??? - A puzzle combat game where each character plays a different puzzle game in an attempt to knock out the other player. (Mr. Driller vs. Bejeweled, for instance.) CLEARLY will require some major balancing.
•??? - A classic Zeldalike adventure game that features Dark Souls-inspired combat and Terraria-style equipment crafting.
•Let's Play A Game!! - Some oddball hybrid between You Don't Know Jack, The Price Is Right, and Let's Make A Deal. Trick here, is what to substitute for pricing in the pricing games, without being a dead giveaway to anybody with a calculator (like math), or just a dumb luck guessing game (which, let's be fair - it could very well be).
If you think those concepts tied together would be that "game about gaming," then you're at least halfway there. Maybe a little variation in details (like a Ninja Gaiden/Castlevania-style approach to the platformer as well, and a fighter that isn't extreme'd out). I'm also into combining chunked-up genuine level design with procedural generation too, but we'll see if and how that plays into the formula.

Career launching!!

Ohhh boy, is this a doozy.

My education so far consists of Computer Science/Network Engineering, Animation, Realty/Investing, and Managerial-level Accounting/Finance. My work experience so far is mostly grocery, retail, temp service stuff, and shipping/receiving. This combines to create a huge, seemingly unbridgable disconnect between what I specialize in doing and what I'm ACTUALLY doing, and there doesn't seem to be a correct way of bridging that gap besides establishing that stuff myself.

In the meantime, I'm still at about $1k/mo cost of living to produce and support myself with, and that's no spouse, no kids, no smoking/drinking/drugs/prescriptions. Eventually my car is gonna need a minor overhaul (new catalytic converter and an A/C fixup), and I have some dental work I need done sometime too. Out of my dozen-or-so employers, only one has had a dental plan and offered enough for me to participate in it, and they never gave me the time off I needed to get there.

And of course, you have that delightful irony where the entire reason I'm enterprising, myself; is to create workplaces that ARE different from that, and offer genuine living potential.

Friends, Family, Dating, and being overly responsible.

I have this terrible habit. I love most people. I hate how much I love most people, and I REALLY hate "drowning" in other people. When you're a local nerdy nexus with 300 semiregular, real-life contacts - and counting - and STILL dating - that tends to be a factor that creeps up sometimes. Especially when some of them get into a pinch - which is at least 3x a week here - and you find yourself often the only one capable of doing something about it.

In the long run - or even the short run for that matter - "damage control" is just not enough to make life work out. Keeping bad things from escalating is something totally different than making positive things happen, which is where I would like to be focusing more of my time and attention. Sometimes the damage control is necessary - and when it's not necessary to be helping others with that, it often becomes necessary to do with my own life too. But it all ultimately feels like a big circle-jerk to nowhere.

After awhile though... it gets really taxing, and kinda makes me want to go all antisocial again. Life was kind of simple there... but also really kind of hollow. It helps a bit to remember that. Usually I'll just fold a couple days - maybe a week tops - rest, recover, wash and repeat. It's one of those great things about being single and on my own that really... I don't know if it would be possible while coupled up.

I can't spend my whole life like that though, or I get nowhere. These ambitions just sorta pile up on me in the meantime, to the point where they kinda look insurmountable, even though it's really all just a whole lot of small, simple things. A whole. Freaking. Metric asston. Of them. But they're mostly little, and totally doable, and I have to remember that.
  • Current Mood
    restless restless

There are days I love my family.

And there are times, like today, where I want to invert their faces so fucking hard they can taste their own feces. }:$

Here I am, busting my ass around to bounce back from my car accident, asking them for help when I really need it, and what do they do? They leverage me into shrinking my hair little-kid short. It's always the fucking hair with them. And while they insist it'll help me across the board, I've already spent 13 of the past 15 years proving that's just not true. It doesn't help me at all, and you know why? Because looking like I'm 13 again is fucking HUMILIATING. Uggh. It makes me want to crawl into a box for 4-5 months again, not leaving to do anything. I don't even want to make ACCIDENTAL impressions on anybody looking like this, let alone INTENTIONAL ones.

Okay. I grew up around a lot of 80s/90s rock influence. Now, granted I skipped out on the bothersome parts like making it my life's goal to get as drunk/high as possible without dying and partying all of the time (and anyone who's like THAT is a colossal loser who fails at life to me); there are the other parts of the "awesome" concept that really resonate with me. Maybe part of it IS the hair, because when it's awesome, it helps me feel that way about myself. It's an impression I KNOW I'm giving, because I've done so rather successfully the past year or two. On a pretty consistent basis.

Having my hair chopped way shorter makes me feel like some superconformified dweeb. Because it was rather enforced as a kid, and it takes me right back to those times, like THAT'S the impression it's gonna give, regardless of what I do. And don't get me wrong, I accomplished some wicked impressive stuff as a kid, not that any of it actually matters. But to be totally honest - throughout my ENTIRE school age, I HATED every fucking day of my life, and nearly everything about it. And "this" just makes me feel STUCK THERE again. It's like "everything I spent the past 10 years of my life undoing." And a written invitation to reexperience the cycle of losing that it once and always was.

I mean... how the hell do you make a "good impression" of "a self" that I fucking HATE BEING JUDGED AS?! Fuck, even the BEST potential outcome is someone old-fashioned-minded that'll want me to NOT get my hair "awesomized" again, and then it becomes a struggle with THEM TOO.

Also, to put another piece of the puzzle in perspective, my parents -and- my brother are biker punks inked from their toes to their nose, and nobody's complaining about them (I'm not either). Who the fuck are THEY to judge ME on standards of non-conformity? The grandmas I can give a pass to, because they're naturally old-fashioned, and they don't think women or their mentality have changed since their time (40s/50s) AT ALL (or you know... they're all troublesome, firestarting sluts). But at least they live it, too. They just... somehow miss that the ENTIRE POINT of how looking/feeling "MODERN" and cool is the complete antithesis of that.

(tangent) But you see? This is the kind of shit that happens when a man gets caught in a moment of weakness and need. It's why they never really get there, and why they're sure as fuck not telling you if they ever are. (/tangent)

It's also an effective reminder of why I chose to put some fucking distance between my relatives and I. Which I will probably be redoing again rather soon.

It's just fucking hair, self. It's just fucking hair. It'll all come back.
  • Current Music
    Keep Yourself Alive / Queen

Dear Central Nervous System,


Finally rested and recovered after being shaken up, and able to put things back in a proper perspective now. "Little kid me" kinda took over for a bit after my car wreck, putting me back into this warped mindset of "me against the world." Being a tough kid was tough, and there often were moments where it really was just me against everything out there, and... well, I'm surprised that part of my mentality is even still alive some days. It totally took me by surprise, there.

But more to the "now"... the car wreck is still relatively minor compared to other wrecks I've seen, and it's not unfixable. This is the first time in ever I've been significantly past due on my rent, and after that badly timed wreck and while doing the distracting insurance provider tango at that.

There is a DOWNSIDE to having a super-active mind, and one of those downsides is cyclical thinking and processing. To totally level with you here, I've had to reboot my life about FIVE TIMES already, from square one. None of those times have killed me, but they have been understandably... discomforting. Something I'm just tired of having to deal with. Car going bad to the point of not starting and running, and falling behind financially has been a consistent, formulaic ingredient to my life crashing and burning.

I'm not gonna lie here. I've spent the ENTIRE LAST WEEK TERRIFIED that this was already happening and inevitable, and that there would be nothing I or anyone can do at this point to stop it. Feeling mostly "I," in this case; because again - "little kid me" popped into my brains with that "me against the everything" mentality.

Last night... this morning... whenever... the awareness of this hit me. It is such a gigantic eye-opener. It is quite possibly the biggest thing weighing me down in life, now. And the truth is SO DIFFERENT. My friends are not like that now. My family is not like that now. Even my property manager is not like that, she's wicked qwesome and we've had a great professional relationship! MY LIFE IS NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL!!

This is not some ridiculous, impending-end-of-everything disaster that pits me, alone, against financial gravity in a struggle of futile hopelessness, and I feel really stupid for sticking myself in that headspace for the entire week. No. It's a minor, fixable car accident, and just the natural running-behind that occurs when something like that happens to us all. Maybe some minor stalemating on the transportational front, but nothing I haven't already overcome - REPEATEDLY - in the last half of my life already.

There is nothing here that I'm not prepared - on some level or another - to deal with. And I'm anything but alone now. There's been somebody-or-another present in my life EVERY DAY for the past YEAR now. Why the hell would I think I'm alone in this?

First thing's first, a nice warm shower. Then, to get the qwesometrain back on it's tracks.
  • Current Location
O. Iori


So the last week or two, I've been going over the radiator/cooling system of my car, trying to troubleshoot the fan. For the uninitiated (and I'm no superpro, so don't worry about terms above anyone's head), it's supposed to go like this:

Heat sensor in the engine kicks a switch. Switch turns on the radiator fan (to cool down your coolant/water), and then the water pump pumps it to the part of the motor that needs cooling. Bottom line: the pumping part worked fine. The fan part, not so much. Either end is only a $50 part, so it's not crippling. Was about to get that professionally tested this week; which apparently is the end date of my unemployment - but my gaming lounge just applied for some credit lines to kickstart that off with. (YAY. Starting a business on leverage, the surefirest way to win, right?)

Starting up the internet cafe was another bucket of worms, because we'd put in our licensing paperwork in March, but for the longest time heard nothing back. I even asked the Secretary of State themself if there was ANY additional paperwork that needed filed. THEY SAID NO. Sure enough, the only thing I got back from them for the longest was that I needed to THEN file an LLC-12 document (which I never got a reply from), and then I received the first documentation EVER without our business license ID on it.

It's the Franchise Tax Board, wanting their minimum annual $800 income tax. From my company that HAD NO DOCUMENTATION TO CONDUCT BUSINESS WITH. Credit line, God willing, will allow us to take care of that soon, but still no word on the application, and we only have until September 15th.

SO BACK TO TODAY. One last week of UI. Lots of applying, praying, balls to the grindstone. Had dinner with parentals which was great - we went over some car stuff, reminisced about my baby niece (she's already a little diva raver baby); and had the most spendorific news! Which kinda terrifies me. Because you KNOW what happens with a slew of good news, right?

Well, it was a near-certain job offer, that I'd just have to trim up for. The kind of stuff I'm REALLY REALLY GOOD AT, at a place that makes respectable bank. It's not super-career-launching material, but it's sustainable income in the moment of peril where I'd need it most. And oh, I had no idea.

On my way home, I was browsing a couple of strip malls for a place to trim up, since my outrageous hair now composes nearly 20% of my organic mass. And one of the lights in them turns red without me noticing.

I had my first collision accident today, where I am completely, and idiotically at fault. MOTHERFUCK. This is NOT the way you start an qwesome day.

My car appears to have gotten the worst of it. The exterior looked fine, but the frame bent waaay in, and now I can't pop/open/close my hood at all. This also means I can't even access the radiator, the fan, or anything to do with any of the forementioned; and now they're CERTAINLY fucked, every one of them. It put a dent in their bumper.

Thankfully, nobody appears to be hurt, we're all just shaken up. And I swear to God, from that moment on - EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD attempted to jump in front of my car that night. Pedestrians running across the street. People pulling out of parking lots. A freaking DOG ran out in front of me. And three people jumped out of a parked car - lights off the whole time - right in front of me.

[i]This kind of stupidity is why I'm proudly nocturnal, and why I do grocery shopping at 2 am.[/i]

Maybe a Thursday or Friday night, you would expect that kind of shit, but on a MONDAY?!

Guuh. Well, I got to the mall at 9:03. Perfect time to NOT get my haircut THERE, EITHER. So now I get to prep for my "promising job interview" with a freshly-wrecked car and no way to do my hair. (It still starts and runs, at least.) And I get to lose my good driver discount - presumably for five years - as I call my insurance company and brace for a much rougher impact.

This is also the part where I remind you - it is a TERRIBLE TIME to be really good at math. The cash this will cost me in one year alone (on policy difference) will be more than the price of paying to repair both vehicles myself. And since I have liability coverage - that being all I can really afford, naturally - I'll most likely be doing that anyways.


There goes all of the money I was going to earn from this new job, and that's assuming the GOOD outcome that I even GET IT.
  • Current Mood
    scared FML

Day Jobs

I've had... more than my fair share of day jobs already. I was raised blindly on that old-fashioned "work ethic" that you still hear people in their fifties talking about. But what exactly is "work ethic?"

Right now, it's a miserable pile of lies. And pretty much every job I've had so far is a testament to it.

Professionally speaking, CLEARLY I'm at the top of my game. If so, I wouldn't be called in to work 10 days in a row, or put in such vital positions as opening Black Friday in the mall, singlehandedly juggling four departments during the Memorial Day sale, or having customers request *my service by name.* All of which has regularly occurred in practicaly any job I've had.

So what gives?

All it's ever gotten me back is the approximately-360-day spurt of 50 hr/wk-average "part-time" employment, and a focus on a limited skillset that does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to help me launch or establish a REAL career, but just remain stuck at entry-level retail Hell forever. And often enough, consistently exhausted and closer to broke than anybody with real "work ethic" should ever have to be.

In my DOWNTIME, I've also learned archetictural engineering, network engineering, managerial accounting/bookkeeping, professional creative/concise writing, intermediate level programming, and a grip of other minor shishkadish.

See, on one hand, I know the long-term effects of "ObamaCare," and how it will demonetize and dwindle healthcare into the ground. That shit will be alarmingly rapid, too! I'd say that within 5 years, DOCTORS will be down to making around $20/hr, tops. Because that's all hospitals will be able to afford to offer, AFTER they completely minimize and streamline care (which ironically, probably means removing the "care" part). Which is an outright tragedy waiting to happen.

But on the flipside, if employment and economic trends continue their course, it will also become the only way I'll likely ever be able to afford care on any level. So really, what's a man to do?

I started taking a proactive approach to creating and sustaining a new job market here, in hopes of returning money to values; and making life mutually affordable and sustainable again. The start was more rocky and delayed than it should've been, mostly because the licensing process took 3x and the better of 10 months to complete and hear back from.

There's been exactly ONE DOCUMENT that's been processed in a timely manner, and surprise surprise! It's an INCOME TAX NOTICE, for the majority of this 10 months that we're "presumed" to be operational, in spite of having no documentation of license numbers to operate (or conduct ANY BUSINESS AT ALL) with.


So now... it looks like I'm going to require yet ANOTHER. FUCKING. DAY JOB. To pay income tax for an entity with no income, or even the chance to start getting it. Which was made in DIRECT RESPONSE to the instability. of THE FUCKING. JOB. MARKET.

I will never be the type to endorse gangs and drug dealing. But respectfully, I KNOW NOW WHY THEY DO IT.

Clearly, I'm SO EXCITED to get back "out there." Although part of me wonders... "Would my life play out a little differently if I had a nice rack?"
  • Current Mood
    annoyed annoyed

Recent thoughts on coupling/relocation and life...

Okay. This one's a toughy. It could be a shoot-myself-in-the-footsie, but only time will tell.

I've had a number of people live with me before. They got REALLY cozy and comfortable, and completely loved their lives when they were with me. Men, women, and even a couple of arguably in-betweeners. Everything they normally restrain around others just poured out of them effortlessly, like being with me or in my home was like an alternate dimension where people can just... BE.

What can I say, it's a gift. A great gift to share - with some moderation, so that people don't totally detach themselves from real life (one person got to the point where the only reason they would put on pants was for a date or a job interview, I'm not exaggerating!). It's one reason - if not the PRIMARY reason - why my life is full of closer-than-average relationships (and maybe why I suffer no lack of intimacy, and therefore are more sex-driven in dating).

To a great extent, it's rather mutual. I've found it practically effortless to open up and "just be" around... well, just about everybody. (Maybe that's why I don't see any value in getting intoxicated, there.) But after awhile, that comfortable zone gets people to a strange place where all of a sudden they're totally lazy and irresponsible, often just inconsiderate. That is a very uncool vibe that, sad to say, eventually EVERYBODY I've even shared boarding with has gotten to. Either that, or a point where they attempt to monopolize all of my time and attention for themselves, not only smothering me and burning me out - which I admit I do rather quickly now - but destroying my focus on all of the other things I'm trying to accomplish with my life as well. Inevitably, this leads to a situation where anybody with prolonged, constant exposure (not spurty) to me ends up being people I dislike and then estrange myself to.


It's not the kind of thing most people even percieve as a "problem." The most hazardous thing I face in my relationships is people LOVING ME TOO MUCH?! (Or more accurately, loving my companionship, since it's not always exactly reciprocal once it crosses "that line.") I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do ABOUT THAT?

Being selectively slutty instead seems like the easy/obvious answer to that. Been there, trying that. But then, everywhere I turn, people are looking for depth, connection, interaction outside of the sex. Besides, that "gift" of opening people up - more often metaphorically than physically, unfortunately - isn't exactly something that comes with an off switch. Neither do the brainses, sadly. So even being slutty leads to some degree of depth and intimacy, and connection. (That's a whole 'nother problem.)

I guess some reciprocality and moderation are really the keys to making anything solid work with me. Which is hard when people treat me like I'm some kind of drug they get hooked on... ~.~' Or when people want that kind of relationship where they're conjoined at the hip 24/7. (Or you think you do, but you'll tire of that quickly.)

And then, there's the relocation thing. If we've been chatterboxing about getting together recently, you're probably not from around here. In fact, I'm nearly certain of it. Friends and their different walks of life around here have begun to cross-coincide so much that I'm *certain* that if any date potential were around here, it would be happening already. Professional momentum - other than what I'm creating entirely first-hand - appears to be kind of stifled here, too.

So some details of it might get me edgy every now and then - we all live lives that do that - I'm in a great place in life right now. It's affordable and well-located, covers most necessities, isn't too big and too much work or too small and cramped for a romp or small get-together. And it took overcoming dozens of "impossibles" to get here. Being covered head-to-toe in fire ants. Two car accidents in the same day, and even being hit by one on a bike. A home exploding and ensuing year on the streets. LOTS OF CRAZY SHIT. To get here. In my home that I LOVE to call MY HOME.

My great, cozy, fun, exciting, well-maintained home with central air. Five minutes from everything I could want to be around - bookstores, bowling alleys, pool halls, the mall, an arcade, an indie theater, an ARCO/AM-PM, food places that fix stuff I actually LIKE*, parks to BBQ at, two different freeways (without being noisy!), right around the corner from my credit union of choice and a 24-hour grocery store (I can literally WALK THAT in 5 minutes)! And math that's JUST BARELY friendly enough to make it work for now. But... with stifled dating potential and professional momentum. :| THIS is what I refer to as a PREDICAMENT.

*I've got these crews TRAINED, too. I make eye contact with anybody in the back, and my "usual" is already on it's way. For as much as it's "unadventurous," sometimes consistency has it's perks too!

Ideally, I would love to just shuffle around a couple of the things here in town, to make that little difference that works. It's why I'm working towards creating that professional momentum, and the kind of personal environment around here that attracts and fosters people of "preferred flavor?"... instead of hoping that it just drops in my lap or trying to chase down the industry or community.

Along with the optimally-sporadic contact that *successfully* positive relationships in my life are built around, this is also why I'm not looking for anywhere else to live - although making two-hour trips for dates CAn get a WEE bit excessive (although it seems like least of the evils). And the aforementioned part of relationships makes me completely TERRIFIED of moving somebody in here as well. Plus, getting somebody in is about 20000% easier than getting them out if shit goes South - pardon the pun, L.A.sters!!

For lack of a better term... I'm feeling terribly stalemated, here! It would take something outrageous to lure me out of my happy home. But then, what will become of me if I don't venture out to some degree?

I would have to at LEAST vacation with somebody stellar for 2 weeks solid before I would even CONSIDER a permanent move. And well... when you're "creating" in your community, and living just within your means... that's REALLY hard to find time to do! ~.~'
  • Current Music
    Motley Crue - Home Sweet Home
O. Iori

Small victories...

It's always important to have a number of them going on in life. They're something to hang onto, something to keep going on. But they only go so far. Every now and then you just need a major, epic win in life.

And I'm about at that point, right now.

I've seen it happen a number of times already. Enough to know what's happening. Car trouble, check. Computer trouble, check. Mysterious strangers in need, check. Dwindling time and resources, in the bag. Yep! It's just about make-or-break time.

FUCK, I hate make-or-break time. It only checks in once every 2-3 years or so, but the last oh... half of my life; they've never turned out well. EVER. Not even once. Last time I ended up spending half a year offline, totally isolated, and living in 1972. Time before that I lost a grip of really positive relatives. There was the dickwrecking breakup with Wigglebutt. And before that, a year of homelessness with all of my possessions taken out of my reach.

And every one of them was crippling. It basically ALWAYS resulted in restarting my life from scratch, after watching it burn to the ground in front of me. It's disgusting. Demoralizing. To put years of concentrated time, effort, and practically superhuman levels of patience and persistence into making a life I love, just to see how easily (and instantly!) it's wiped out.

It's already started, although fortunately so far, I still have a car and a mostly-functional computer at this point. (Guess that's still looking better than average so far...) Business is taking far too long to launch, and I've exhausted my UI. Doesn't help that right when seeking funding for the business, ACT springs right up out of oblivion with the supposedly-closed student loan account that's miraculously revitalized. Right now, only one of my parents is working, along with my brother who still owes $3000 on a wrecked, nonfunctional car (not his fault either). And professional options have yet to respond to my applications. You know, the 15 months' worth of them so far.

Maybe my problem is that I don't know when to give up. It's not a skill I've actually needed very often, to be honest; so I'm not really well-practiced at it. Heck, I don't even think it IS an option at all, just some fleeting fantasy. Some type of "right thing to do." I REALLY don't believe in the concept of helplessness, but damned if it isn't exactly how I'm feeling right now. It would be SO GREAT if there was just a definitive "right thing" to just decide and do. But unfortunately, the circumstances of that very decision (IE: make some substantial cash) appear to exist outside of my immediate influence.

Doesn't help that many of the people I AM helping in life right now doesn't seem to have much or any of that to begin with either, hence WHY they need me.

On the other hand, it's not like you can just wake up and go "how exactly do I prepare for my life burning to the ground for the fifth time (or was it sixth now?); whether to make it EASIER to recover, or just less damaging to myself when... I mean "if" does?

I mean, it's only stuff and money. Maybe shelter, too. It's not like it'll be the ACTUAL death of me or anything. It's not even anything as bad as physical trauma or disability, it's stuff that absolutely CAN be recovered. (...again?!) But I'd rather not lose what all I've worked so hard and long creating in the first place.

A shame I don't really see anybody to "pass the ball" to, either...

Maybe I should have more faith in the potential randomly-good outcome. (Or a better way of steering in that direction?) Plenty of stuff has gone off the tracks and landed smoothly before. Often to surprisingly delightful results, and I hope that such is the case here!

But what IS one to actually DO?
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

I can't even pretend to sleep.

This fucker. Is driving. Me. NUTS. "!".

He's not even doing anything wrong at the moment, besides snoring obnoxiously.

Maybe I should start by clarifying. There's a friend of mine - more like an acquaintance who doesn't really understand how to BE a friend, because nobody's ever taught him to - who's escaping from a desperately bad environment with a tweaker stepmom/stepbrother. He's 20, broke, and has no driver's license or internet access apart from me. He has no social security card with which to work or make money (legally) at all, and his grandma who has his birth certificate (which we'd need to get him his card) is in Alaska for another week. There is NOTHING the guy can do right now!! (And yet HE is the one getting laid, here? What the fuck, ya dumb bitches!?)

And apparently I'm the last person on Earth this guy seems to have to turn to. So for starters, helping him with everything from social retardation to professional issues is basically like resolving every fucking problem that I had at his age, and finally worked through so I'd never have to worry about that shit again. At least until I had kids that age. Right?

Secondly, there is a damn good reason I moved into a place of my own - with no relatives, no roommates, no friends, no anybody like that. I am a quirky, non-cohabitative person and I'm okay with that. Sometimes with me, absence really does make the heart grow fonder; both ways even. I like having company in spurts, but I NEED some alone time in order to function right. And now, I don't even have a bedroom to retreat to or stuff this guy in. Just having this guy around me cramps a lot of that style.

I've had to make allowances for lots of nasty food I dislike around my "just me!" kitchen. This pecker spends 15 hours a day - and I'm not exaggerating here - either using my TV as his computer monitor, or busting through my PS3 library, which I've hardly even got to touch since he's been here. He's already beaten a dozen games I have barely BEGUN. He's ridiculously pushy and wanting to be in charge of everything we do or play. If he's sleeping, then far be it for me to make any noise with my shit whatsoever. And he contributes very little all-around. Perhaps just because there's nothing I really need the guy to do for me. In fact, I'd prefer he just avoid fucking things up around here. And naturally, the guy needs me to haul him anywhere he goes. In short, his presence brings back EVERYTHING I EVER HATED about living with ANYBODY I've ever had to live with.

Even with all of these factors aside - the guy just has one of those 1% personalities that naturally grinds my nerves to dust. I feel bad for the guy, I really do. I want to help him overcome this ridiculous, unreasonable shit that I had to deal with at his age. But part of me can't help it - I just hate the motherfucker. I don't WANT to hate him. I just do!

And this is somebody who once in awhile makes a misguided attempt to be really nice, and somebody who has a decent amount of common interests as me, too. I'm seriously less than half an inch from making a permanent move to "casual sex only." I don't EVER want to live together with somebody who even resembles a supposed "adult" again. For anything. For anybody, EVER.

The other irritating irony comes from this past week, where out of obligation and genuine love for my family, I had to basically hand-hold my underachieving cousin through H.S., because he didn't give enough of a shit to stay on top of his work. He'd rather fuck around and party. Don't they all? Meanwhile... outside of that his life's been a little bumpy lately, but once they get through this tough spot, his life's gonna go just fine. HE, on the other hand, has a car and DL, with this pumpin' stereo, a pretty girl on his arm, and a few insider-tracks to getting work if he needs it - he also makes some kickin' custom bikes (so at least he's earning his stuff, that side of the family's been all talent, lucky ducks!). Basically, he's got all the bases in place that I never got the chance to, and all of the help that I'd like to get to this other tool.

But honestly? For the past two months solid, pretty much all I can think about is "how do I move this fucker forward in life, TODAY; so I can get MY life back?!"

I need to pay his dad a visit.
  • Current Mood
    infuriated infuriated